(As far as I remember I reveled in the beauty and mystery of life when I sat on this rock overlooking Grand Canyon. I had no idea that two months later I would have a miscarriage.)
Today I'd like to honor each woman in our community (including myself) who has lost a baby. This month was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day and I am sure we all have been touched one way or another by the pain and sorrow such loss brings.
I remember well the January morning two years ago when I met a dear friend and her son in the organic food market in our neighborhood.
Last time I had seen the two, my friend's belly had started to show and I was excited to hear that she was expecting again. Now, a couple of months later, I saw her for the first time in her winter coat and said: "Wow, you look great, you wear your pregnancy really well!"
She looked at me surprised. Or maybe confused, I wasn't sure. She hesitated for a moment. And at this moment - during this small silence - I instinctively felt that I had just said the worst possible thing.
She shook her head. "I lost the baby on New Year's day."
And I could not help but blurt out: "And I miscarried on Christmas Eve."
As our toddlers ran off to scout for cookies, my friend and I just stood there. In the busy supermarket. Among all the shoppers with their carts and grocery lists. Their lives were the same, ours irreversibly changed.
We looked at each other. Hugged. Held each other just that tad bit longer and harder that our tender hearts needed. There was understanding. And connection.
And compassion for all the women who had also known the pain that we now knew.
Eventually, we let go off each other. We laughed about the most surreal conversation we had ever had in a busy supermarket. And how shitty our holidays had been. Then it was already time to run after our kids before they could wreak havoc and stick us with a huge cookie bill.
We did not speak about it again, but I never forgot these few yet sacred minutes with my friend (who did conceive again and birthed a healthy and super cute baby this spring!).
I, on the other hand, mourn and miss my girl. Every. Single. Day. And that, unfortunately, is not an exaggeration.
So I write this blog post for all of us who have experienced infant and pregnancy loss because I do believe that life is a mystery and that sometimes we simply cannot explain a miscarriage and we also don't know what comes after such a loss.
Life is a mystery. We can try to explain all that's happening in our lives with a rational mind, but the older I get, the more I realize that not everything is rationally explainable.
(I chronicled my mother's struggle and triumph, and that of dozens of other women, in my bestselling book The Joy of Later Motherhood)
I am extremely grateful that my parents did not give up.
I would not be here if two or three of her first boys - my brothers - would have survived.
I am thankful my six brothers moved to heaven and thus made my life possible.
And we don't know yet what baby spirits will finally come to us and be very grateful how it all played out....💕😘💥
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