Age and Fertility is such an important topic for all of us who have crossed the 35-year mark and made it into the "advanced maternal age" bracket. This is the second part (watch Part 1 here) on this super important topic.
Side note: Congratulations to my client, the beautiful Esmeralda, who is pregnant with a girl. Mom will be 43 when the little one arrives, yay!
Whenever I mentor a woman on her way to motherhood we always, always talk about age and fertility first, as this can be one of the biggest stumbling blocks to conception -- and it originates all in our minds!
So let's dive into the next 5 steps to ease your mind and body:
1) Realize That You Are Not a Statistic
When I was pregnant, I shrugged off all the statistics anybody would put in front of me. I figured that, just because I was a certain age, I’d be lumped into a statistic with all women who had not taken care of their bodies the way I had, who had diseases I did not, who were possibly mentally unbalanced or in unsupportive relationships, or had a long line of disorders running through their family history, which had absolutely nothing to do with me and my health and my chances and my risks.
Whatever their reasons were for not conceiving or miscarrying or birthing babies that were not optimally healthy, their reasons were not mine. I would have my own reasons (or not), thank you very much.
Defining women by a statistic does not make sense to me. You are not a statistic, and you are much more than a number, more than the sum of your age or your FSH or your egg quality, because these numbers can be significantly improved with the right holistic regimen. Stop believing in absolutes. And, as Julia Indichova, author of Inconceivable and first-time mom at 42 puts it so beautifully, “Dare to have an opinion that defies the certainty of studies and statistics!”
2) Choose to Become a Fertility Rebel in Your Own Right
For the sake of all the unborn children who want to come into this world through our bodies and into our loving arms, let’s step out of the cultural norm and shake up some common beliefs that do not serve us. Let’s refuse to buy into the collective dogma that conceiving a child past 35 let alone 40 years of age will be difficult, if not impossible —become a fertility rebel if you will.
When I say “rebel,” I don’t mean the adolescent rebel, one who pushes against authority with an I will show you attitude. Don’t get me wrong; this type of approach can be advantageous, but it won’t serve you here. I will prove you wrong is too narrow a view and too tight of an energy to hold for mothers-to-be.
We want expansion, not constriction. We want joy on our paths, not portents of grimness and gloom. The fertility rebel I am talking about is the empowered, mature woman, one who chooses to make up her own mind and has the courage to go against mainstream opinions and judgments.
So, collect all the information you feel you need and then check in with yourself as to what is true for you and what is not. Make peace with the information/judgment/opinion that does not work for you and let it go. You don’t need approval to choose what’s right. You march to the beat of your own drum, writing your own rules instead of having authorities do it for you.
3) Don’t Give Your Power over to the Person with the Most Certainty
People will come up with statistics and their own reasoning for what’s right or wrong, but we must never allow the person with the most certainty (usually a doctor or other authoritative figure) to win out over our own inner wisdom, especially when it comes to such delicate matters as creating new life and guiding your children into adulthood.
We all need to check in with ourselves.
If your gut tells you something, listen. I am not saying you should discount someone because he or she is a doctor. I am, however, suggesting that you do not blindly believe someone just because this person is a doctor. If you instinctively, or by research, feel that the information you are given does not apply, trust yourself.
4) Step away from the Stats Buffet
Practice mental hygiene and stop consuming information that’s “dirty” and leaves you feeling bad. Next time you read the paper or watch the news on TV, I want you to pay close attention to how you feel before you see a story about the atrocities of war, the shooting of kids in their school, or the dangers and risks of birthing a severely handicapped child after 40, and how you feel after. Has your mood dropped? Do you feel the tightness in your body? Are your shoulders slumped, your mouth tense?
Words and pictures have an immediate effect on all of us physically. For the time being—and for all the time between now and the birth of your child—I advise you to step away from the fertility stats buffet and stop reading about all the things that can go wrong with your body and your child. Be informed and know your rights, but don’t dwell on things. Walk away when you have all the information you need. I repeat: Step away from the negativity buffet.
5) Give Yourself Time
I heard it over and over in my interviews: babies have their own timeline, and if we want to push it and force it, it’s not going to work in our favor. When we feel we have not enough time, we tend to panic, which changes our body chemistry. When the body panics, it gets the message that we are not safe, and it’s harder to conceive a child when the body is feeling unsafe. Also, if you are not in a good place financially or feel your partner is not quite the right person to have a child with or have similar messages of “I am not safe,” give yourself permission to try to find the right man or to figure it out instead of saying, “It’s now or never.”
It took me a couple of years to work out my own issues of feeling unsafe and to get my relationship on the most solid and unshakable ground, and so I conceived at 43 instead of 40/41. Allow yourself time to work things out. I know that this goes against the “quick, don’t waste another month” mentality that’s out there, but that’s also what the vast majority of the women I interviewed said. If you use extra time wisely and diligently and work your stuff out, time is your friend.
Part 3 - coming soon: How to treat yourself in order to release fear around age.
If you feel that your mindset and your beliefs around age are blocking your pregnancy, then book a free 20min consult with me to see if you want to be coached/mentored by me personally.
I know first hand that my mindset had tripped me up for years (that's why I became a mental strength trainer -- I was already pregnant (but didn't know it) when I received my certification!) and I don't want YOU to waste more weeks, months, even years.
Reserve your spot here and let's talk!
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