Trying to conceive and create LIFE inside our bodies should be one of the most magical and joyous times of our lives. Period. Unless you approach 35, or heaven forbid 40 and beyond, then the baby-making journey becomes wrought with fear inducing messages from just about everybody and their grandmother.
Once you were cool about your age and your journey, but as the months and maybe years went on, it's getting harder to keep an optimistic attitude. Quite frankly, there are triggers everywhere: from the pregnant woman on the street to your social media feed filled with pictures of ultrasounds, gender reveal parties and newborns.
By now you've become all too familiar with feelings of shame, guilt, disappointment, jealousy, competitiveness and feeling alone and not understood - even by the people closest to you. You've tried just about everything, from the boring gluten-soy-dairy-meets-joy-free diet, to acupuncture, to Mayan massages, castor oil packs, supplements that smell so strongly it makes your toes curl, to chanting in your baby with candles, crystals and burning sage.
And then there is the next birthday looming just around the corner.
I was 40 when my husband of two years and I decided to go for it - go for conceiving our baby and starting a family. So we ditched the contraceptives and jumped whole heartedly into the baby-making journey for a whole year.
And did we get pregnant? Nope. Nada. Nothing.
I had only three letters for this: WTF?
Was it true, that fertility sharply declines after 35 and basically goes into free fall after 40? Was it too late now for us?
If Joshua, my husband, and I would have gone to an infertility specialist at this point, two things would have happened:
1) We would have been scolded by the Doctor for having waited so long to seek medical help. And we would have been labeled with "unexplained infertility" since there was nothing physically wrong with us. (Has that happened to you too?)
2) My age would have been blamed as the culprit for us not getting pregnant and we would have been pushed right into fertility treatments like in-vitro-fertilization (IVF), possibly even right into the use of donor eggs as evidently my eggs were old and my body not fertile anymore according to conventional medical wisdom. (Sound familiar?)
Eventually, we decided against seeking treatment at a fertility clinic, which turned out to be a smart move. Because that way we were not influenced by the medical community and not pushed into the world of Assisted Reproductive Technology, which can be a huge blessing for some and a really expensive source of pain and disappointment for others.
And that's why I can tell you with absolute certainty:
While the majority of doctors, infertility specialists, media representatives and internet websites are still proclaiming that age is the biggest predictor of your success to become pregnant this is simply not true.
I am the third generation of women in my family who had healthy children in their 40s.
I was 43 when I became pregnant very quickly after the multi-year quest I had been on to super charge my fertility.
Almost two months after my 44th birthday I gave birth naturally to a healthy, strong baby boy.
We named him Hunter.
(My husband wanted to name our boy Pick, Link, or Tiberius. I could not let that happen ;))
I am a seasoned journalist, certified mental strength trainer, and author of the bestselling book The Joy of Later Motherhood.
In this book I share the stories and advice of women over 40 who all had natural pregnancies and healthy babies to show other women of “advanced maternal age” what is possible and, in fact, perfectly natural.
Writing this book was a personal mission for me.
Because, most importantly, I am a lot like you. A woman who had the dream and desire to start her family at an age others think we can't do any longer.
To which I want all of us to reply: WATCH ME!
Let me ease some of the pressure with this simple truth:
Sure, our bodies age and at some point a woman's reproductive years come to an end. But when this time comes is simply NOT determined by her age alone but by a woman's overall physical, mental and emotional health, and her genes, lifestyle and dietary choices.
Your chronological age (as per your birth certificate) and our biological age (how quickly or slowly your body has aged) can be YEARS apart, as it is in my case.
A 45 year old woman can be healthier and more fertile than a 25 year old, as we see more and more.
Menopause was usually something women in their 50's went through, now we see women in their 40's and even 30's go through it. Many couples in their 30's and 20's struggle to get pregnant at an age they should be conceiving easily. In fact, American fertility rate fell to a record low in 2016. 1 in 8 couples in the US struggle with infertility - regardless of age. (Please read Preface II in my book on why this is happening)
There is another truth my dear, one that the modern medical community, Dr. Google, and others completely overlook: when it comes to getting pregnant - to creating life - usually the focus of all people involved is squarely on the physical aspect of conception - often with the attitude that the body is broken and needs to be fixed.
All the while your biggest asset in the whole equation goes untapped:
Seriously, I bet you've spent a lot more time and energy on your diet or the amount of supplements you take, than on the negative self-talk that's going on in the privacy of your mind.
You surely know how bad chronic inflammation, for example - induced by chronic stress - is for your body. But do you know that you pollute and inflame your body just as quickly and effectively through toxic thoughts and negativity?
What do you think happens when you beat yourself up for being TOO OLD, infertile, and "can't even do what every women is designed to do"?
You are smart, you know about the mind-body connection. But have you considered that the thoughts you think - especially if there are some big emotions attached to it - start a biochemical process in the body that either supports or hinders your ability to get pregnant?
Even though most of us are aware of the importance of our mind and our thoughts, we are not trained to harness these powers to our benefit. And we completely forget about the mind-body connection when we are swept up into the roller coaster of TTC (trying to conceive)!
When I interviewed Dr. Christiane Northrup (read about it here) - world renowned women's health pioneer and multiple NY Times bestselling author who wrote "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" - for my book, she said something to me that I will never forgot: "Women are making (thinking) themselves infertile and they don't even know it!"
Please take this in:
"Pregnancy after 40 can be a joyful and healthy experience, despite what so many women are led to believe. Bettina Gordon-Wayne lays out the territory to later motherhood with wisdom and knowledge."
SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS
A 90-DAY 1-ON-1 CUSTOM TAILORED COACHING PACKAGE on how to create an "ageless" attitude; harness your mindset so it actually supports rather than hinders you; and gets your body into the fearless fertility mode it was designed for.
IN THIS PROGRAM I'll share the results of my professional years-long research into the connection between your mind and your fertility in 12 custom tailored sessions (the first session is our laser focused 90 minutes deep dive into your life, desires and dreams, all subsequent sessions are 60 minutes long).
DISTILLED INTO AN EASY TO FOLLOW PROTOCOL. I've used my personal experience as well as the experience of the 100's of women I've interviewed in the last decade (and, again, all the research I did on the topic) to perfect a step-by-step plan that sets you up for a more joyous and successful baby journey.
Our time together is transformational ...
In our first month together we dive deep into the mind-body connection. You'll learn how to
How would you like to fall in love with your body so passionately that you can't walk by a mirror without giving yourself an adoring look? Even if the mirror hangs in the waiting room of a fertility clinic?
According to Oriental medicine your body is the temple your baby will reside in - so let's make it as welcoming as a 5-star hotel! Let me guide you on how to
Sometimes even the most patient of us get derailed when the excitement of possibly being pregnant turns into the agony of the dreaded two weeks wait. Let's be honest, this is half of our lives that we spent in waiting and hoping before the dark feelings and negative thoughts take over (which we have dispersed in month 1 already, I am just making a point here).
Together we find the best techniques that suit YOUR personality to
Tara, 40, who lives in the U.S., on the transformation she went through when she said "YES"
"I’ve been a therapist for 20 years and have personally worked with hundreds of women – but when I am the one who needs support and coaching, I turn to Bettina. She’s truly a gifted coach. Through her skillful questioning, honed over decades in journalism, she helps me to go to the core of my issue and fears, define my next best step and take action quickly and boldly. "
YOU deserve a WORLD CLASS COACH who has been on your journey and beat the odds herself
Let me paint a picture: a picture of a woman whose life unfolded a bit differently than that of most others.
At the beginning, it was not so different yet. There was school, college, the first jobs and forays into the world of business or creative endeavors. Then something happened: maybe a fascinating post-graduate program opened up, or a big career opportunity came along or maybe you moved to another country (as it was in my case) that put you on a different trajectory than most of the girls you grew up with.
Instead of finding love, settling down and having babies, something happened that elevated your life from ordinary to extraordinary (which doesn't always mean easy :-)) and you followed this path.
You became (or perfected being one) a go-getter, an adventurer, a lovable type-A personality. A woman who got back up on her feet every time life knocked her down. A woman who is in control and takes charge, the one who is called on by others to put out the proverbial fires at work, the community or the family. A woman others come to seek council and advice from.
But where are YOU going for counseling?
Who do you YOU open up to with such a personal and intimate desire as the one for a baby? Especially if it's not happen right away or if you choose IVF and there's still no baby?
Who is supporting YOU through the darkest hours?
These are the same questions I asked myself many years ago when Joshua and I went through our fertility challenge.
Back then, I didn't have anybody other than my husband to deeply share what was going on.
Which was not good. Because, really, how much can you unload on your partner before the relationships gets hurt?
And that's another reason why I created this 3-months personal 1-on-1 coaching program. It will radically free up most of the "baggage" you've shared with your husband or partner - so you and him (or her) can focus on simply being together and enjoying each others company again without an agenda!
As a certified mental strength trainer my expertise is with our beautiful and often mysterious minds that hold power over our bodies and our ability to conceive. It's called the Biology of Belief and it is real.
Besides, I know first hand how powerful our minds can be because my own contradictory thoughts kept me from getting pregnant for the whole year we first tried to conceive.
As a mentor and trusted guide, my intention is to help you identify - with crystal clarity - what’s keeping you from having the family you want. And then moving past your blocks.
"Bettina and I first connected after I read her book The Joy of Later Motherhood, which I LOVED. I had recently lost two pregnancies, one at 8 weeks another one at 10 weeks and dealt with the confusing feelings that come from loss and being an older woman trying to become a Mom. When I was pregnant again at 42 I experienced another set of feelings that younger women might not have. Every day seemed to offer its own unique subconscious challenges but because of Bettina I knew that I was not alone with my feelings and I felt hope again. I so appreciated her positivity and strength! "
"Becoming a mother over 40 has its challenges, regardless of if we birth babies ourselves or if we welcome children into our lives in different ways. Bettina helped me tremendously when I first – and quickly – became a “bonus mom” to two beautiful girls. Bettina is funny, smart, encouraging, and she coaches from her heart, not just her smart mind, which makes it so much more effective."